Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Orthodox Heretical Potty Humor

In an article recently published in the Journal of Really Truly Only Actual Factual Orthodoxy, Heirosubreader Wopbopaloolawopbopalapoulos tells about the discovery of a new heresy that infected the early Church and still has adherents to this day. In an interview with Protosubaltarboy Buffonoofius he explained, "This heresy called Excrementalism was begun in the lower regions of Middle East and was a synchretism of a Greco-Roman cult that worshipped the planet Uranus, and the Minotaur (thus the heretics were often referred to as Bull Excrementalizers). "

As with most heresies it began within the Church. It was begun by a convert, Fecal the First , who was quickly elevated to Patriarch of Neon, a suburb of Ninevah, due to his dynamic personality and his willingness to hold a part time job at a restuarant owned by the biggest benefactor of the church to subsidize his meager salary. The Minotaur Excrementalist "school of theology" quickly rivalled the Alexandrian School and Antiochian School in the early third century mainly due to the fact that most adherents reported attaining illumination and theoria even during the catechumenate by reading 6 to 8 books, attending Vespers on Saturday evenings, 3 out of 5 Holy Week services, being sure to touch the floor during metanias, visiting a monastery, and avoiding coffee creamer on fasting days. When asked how his adherents advanced so quickly when other Orthodox people often did not even see an uncreated night light in their lifetime, Fecal the First commented, "It is the one with zeal who knows all because he feels all and opens himself to the moving of the spirit within him, thus when he engages the spiritual life he does so with fire and that fire consumes his ignorance and leaves only the pure word of truth within him. If one fasts strictly with zeal and not eat gyros at the Festival during a fast day, God multiplies the grace 40 times, so we get results fast!"

Fecal the First, though barely out of the catechumenate himself when he was ordained, tonsured and elevated, spoke with great authority on any topic presented to him. Thus, he quickly gathered a cult following and those who heard him teach would often comment to him "We have never heard a man speak Minotaur Excrementalistically with such conviction, are your words from Uranus?" and "Anthropos, are you full of it!"

"Of course we all know that in Greek the word for "Spirit" is "pneuma" and is the neuter gender thus we must conclude when they said he was full of "IT", they were referring to the Spirit....", explained Heirosubreader Wopbopaloolopawopbopalapoulos.

Over the centuries the traditions of Minotaur Excrementalism have never been written down in a book, which is why it is hard to study and systematize. Its principles, ascetical practices, spiritual sayings and teachings have been passed on from catechumen to catechumen for 1900 years. Many of its adherents go on to leadership within the Church and start internet discussion groups, publish books and even become parish council presidents, clergy and seminary professors.


Philippa said...

Bwwwahahahhahaaa!!! Bwaahahahhahahahahhahaa! ROTFLMAO!!!!

I've got tears running from my eyes!

This is hilarious!!

Mimi said...

Giggle. Bwahahahahahahahha.

David Bryan said...

My favorite part was, "Anthropos, are you full of it!"

(And btw, we teamed up on Rhology without even trying, it seems...)

John said...

Yes, this does seem to be one of the more persistent of the heresies, does it not? Even my own zeal, from time to time, has "consumed my ignorance" and I have succumbed to minotaur excrementalism. Remarkably, I sometimes detect strains of the heresy even outside the Church.

Fr Allan said...

How many shots of scotch did it take to pull this one out of your ass? ;-)