Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Chuck Norris Facts

OK, I admit it.... I LOVE these!

When the boogey man goes to sleep at night, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares them down until they give him the information he wants.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity.... twice.

Chuck Norris also knows the last digit of PI.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water... AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Only Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can cook Minute Rice in ten seconds.

Chuck Norris doesn't get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norris.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris CAN believe its not butter.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Walker Texas Ranger aired in France they surrendered to him just to be on the safe side.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

There is no CTRL key on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris CAN judge a book by its cover.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

If you don't at first succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

I've added this for the benefit of those who have lived in the darkness of a Chuckless existence. Prepare for illumination.


Trevor-Peter said...

I'm guessing you left this one out to save your reputation. I'll do you the service of adding it in the comments:

"Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder."

Anastasia Theodoridis said...

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm so clueless about pop culture that I had to google Chuck Norris.

s-p said...

Hi Trevor, With MY reputation that could only bolster it. :) But yeah, I went through dozens and just picked my favorites.
Anastasia, don't be embarrassed. Unless you are either a "chop sockey kung fu" movie fan from the 70's, a B-action movie junkie, or a Walker, Texas Ranger fan, you won't know him. Chuck Norris' "acting" paved the way for Keanu Reeves, IMO. I think the only difference is that Chuck has stunt doubles for scenes when he cries. LOL!

James the Thickheaded said...

And any of us relics from the 1980's will remember some early a.m. viewing (not on the list):

"Chuck Norris doesn't do INFOmercials, Chuck Norris does exercise videos with Christy Brinkley."

Okay... it was the late 1990's and both were a bit faded... and it was kind of like watching Brodway Joe selling pantyhose... but there you are... or there's Chuck.

November In My Soul said...

What's with Chuck sporting a very obvious rug. Can Chuck Norris meet his follicle challenge and grow hair?

In his day he was the man.

s-p said...

Are you referring to his head or his chest? :)

Anastasia Theodoridis said...

Wow, he can gun down everybody in sight without leaving a drop of blood to besmirch the scene! Add that to your list.

Thanks for the video, which amply explains why I had never heard of Chuck Norris. Hard to imagine paying good money to watch that stuff.

Gabriel said...

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.


Mairs said...

Never heard of Chuck Norris?! Goodness, Anastasia - why he was the guy I was never allowed to watch! LOL (and neither will my children). Thanks for the trek down memory lane - love the sayings.

Teri said...

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

fadedmirror said...

I just wanted to let you know that I did get a bit of spiritual insight from this rather secular post. I was reflecting on Theophany, trying to figure out how I would describe it to my Sunday School class, when the one Chuck Norris phrase that had been echoing around in my cranium popped into view again: "When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norris."

Replace the words "Chuck Norris" with "Jesus Christ", and I think you have a somewhat accurate approximation of the Orthodox understanding of Theophany. Jesus didn't enter the Jordan to get baptized -- rather the Jordan (and all Creation) got baptized in Jesus.

s-p said...

fadedmirror, Whodathunk you could say Chuck Norris and Theophany in the same sentence and make sense?? I'm in awe! That is amazingly cool and something I'm filing away for a homily or podcast someday. Thanks!

Has said...

Don't forget this one:

"Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits."

Abe said...

Happy Birthday Chuck Norris.

Fr Nathan Thompson said...

Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he pushes the Earth down

Dimmer said...

Please Chuck come to our church and sort out the chanters.

s-p said...

Dimmer, ummmmm... that might be ONE thing Chuck Norris can't do. After 2000 years of experience, not even God has figured out how to do get chanters under control. LOL!