Saturday, August 14, 2004

The Will of God

I loved her to distraction.

That evening held us in its loom, weaving our histories together, now and forever a tapestry irrevocably bound by one look, one touch. From that moment, so pregnant with magnificent consequence, that very moment I knew I would have her. She would be my beloved, I would be hers. And so her heart’s desire became my obsession.

Oh yes, I could name her imperfections for you. I could tell you of her weaknesses. I could reveal the hidden things of her heart, her fears, the places so dark they frightened even her. I could disclose to you the secrets in her past that still she speaks about it guarded whispers. But I will not. I loved her, I love her, and those things are of no consequence to me. My desire for her was never diminished by the discovery of her weakness and flaws. My wish to work magic in her life never changed, but grew more intense as she revealed her struggles. As I came to know her pain, my desire for her healing deepened.

I wished joy for her; unending, incredible joy that would release her from her past, her demons, her fears. I wanted her to lay her heart’s burdens on me, to find solace within my arms, shelter in my love for her. I desired above all else that she seek me out as one who could bring joy into her life and was willing to take her sorrows and comfort her. I wanted her to know that my life, all I was and had, was hers. I longed for her to find me loving her beyond her wildest imaginings, caring for her heart and soul sometimes more than she cared for them herself. I was willing to sacrifice all I had for her, joyfully, and never look back if that would bring a smile into her wearied life.

It was my desire for her to be at peace. It was my will, my heart’s deepest longing that I could see her face without the lines of sorrow and distress. Her healing became my greatest need, her rest became my burden. I would forgive anything, I would accept her in all of her guilt. I wept for the secrets she kept from even me and for her unspeakable pain. I would give her my gifts hoping she would know they were from my heart, a shadow of the offering of my life for hers. I died a thousand times for her, wishing I knew what I could do that she would know she was wondrous and loved beyond telling.

I wanted above all else that she find her deepest longings fulfilled in me, in my love for her, in my life given for her. I was jealous, outraged when she would seek healing and comfort in another. But even in my jealousy I loved her. I sometimes waited for her, sometimes pursued her. I could not reject her, I could not give up pouring out my heart to her even when she was not there to accept it. I was wounded many times and yet I bore the scars like precious jewels of outrageous cost.

I was hopelessly lost in her. I was powerless to give up my pursuit of her heart. I was joyously, wonderfully, passionately in love with her. I could only give, forgive, accept, forbear, and comfort. My desire was for her alone, my longings were for her peace and joy. My will was that she be one with me and me alone, and find within me all that she was seeking. There was no cost too high, no price too great to pay for the possession of her devotion and love.

I could not command her to love me, only pursue her. I could not direct her except by enticing her. I could not hold over her my gifts, my love or my sacrifices, only lay them before her. My will was my desire for her good. I held no power over her except as she yielded herself to the power of my love for her. I could only tell her of my dreams for her, for us. I could not coerce her to dream my dreams; I could not force her to fulfill my desires. But if she did fall in love with me I knew it would be with all of her heart, soul, mind and strength. It would then be her will, her desire, not mine. My dreams would then be her dreams. She would love me with the depth and passion that no command could force, no word from me could create.

And this is the desire of God: that all men be saved and come to a knowledge of the truth, the truth of His eternal pursuit of our love. This is the desire of God, this is His passion, His deepest longing. In the compelling power of my love I have seen only a passing shadow of the love of my God for me. My desire is but a dying distant star beside the flame of His desire. My shallow longings for my beloved are drowned in the depth of His longings for my heart and soul. I see only dimly His love in the mirror of my heart’s wildest desires.

He wills that I have joy, He wills my peace. He would be my shelter, the One who would take my burdens and dry my tears. He would heal my broken heart. He lays His gifts before me, His life for mine, His heart for mine, His sorrow for my joy, His scars for my healing. He is powerless to relent in His pursuit of my love. No cost was too high to consider, no cost too great to pay to win my devotion.

My God, how You love me. I have come to know You love me beyond my wildest imaginings. I know beyond reason that I am loved beyond telling. Your desire is now mine, my Beloved. You have pursued me, enticed me, and You have finally won me. My heart is Yours. I touch the scars You so beautifully bore for me and all that is within me cries out, “He is my Beloved and I am His.”

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