Saturday, December 10, 2005

Kellogg Promises Healthier Pop Tarts

WHAT TH....!!!!?????
Healthier POP TARTS???!!!!
What next? Non-Genetically Altered Strawberry Pop Tarts? No Additive Portobello Mushroom Pop Tarts? Tofu Pop Tarts? Free Range Chicken Pop Tarts?
What marketing idiot thought of "healthier Pop Tarts"?

LEAVE MY POP TARTS ALONE, DAMMIT! If I want a healthy breakfast I'll eat a Snickers with my Doctor Pepper, thank you.... What'll they think of next? Healthy Frosted Flakes? Healthy Cap'n Crunch? You would really consider taking people's childhoods away from them??

Look Kellogg: if I want to eat healthy, I'll buy Krispy Kremes, they have the corner on the market on healthy breakfast foods, OK. Natural flour, natural butter, natural sugar frosting, natural lard. But I don't buy Krispy Kremes, I buy Pop Tarts. Look, fools...If you change Pop Tarts, I'll buy Little Debbie Little Chocolate Donuts instead. I know for a fact that they're just as good as Pop Tarts because that bag of of them has been sitting on the shelf for 3 and a half months now and there's not a BIT of mold on them yet. If whatever preservatives and additives you guys put in your pastries can make Pop Tarts and little chocolate donuts virtually immortal, think what it can do for MY immune system... now THAT'S healthy.

I'm Orthodox folks... and I know when I die, if they ever exhume my body a hundred years from now it will be preserved incorrupt. There will be those who will give glory to God thinking that I was a saint, but I'll be giving glory to Kelloggs because we'll both know it was the Pop Tarts.

8 comments:

jessenicholas said...

this coming from a man who can eat a Whopper every lunch for a month straight and not gain an ounce. THIS and this alone, is the only reason I resent not having your genes.

Ever read the instructions on the pop tart box? They go something like this: Step 1: Remove poptart from pouch. Step 2: toast the poptart. Go ahead. Toast it. Hey are you still readin' this?!

s-p said...

welll... not EVERY day, on Wednesday and Friday we go to Taco Bell and eat bean burritos.

Meg said...

They're also making Rice Krispies healthier, too. (I'm in a sadistic mood today.)

s-p said...

I already do that myself by adding marshmallow creme, Skippy Pnut Butter, and chocolate chips to them. :)

Anonymous said...

Hey, Jesse,
That's not as true as it used to be...and it's ABOUT TIME!!!!!
FINALLY, a little justice!

-Peggy

Mimi said...

Bwahaahahahaahhaa!

s-p said...

OK, so I've gained a few ounces. And they've all congregated in one spot...sheesh...That's more information than everyone needed...

Marty Davis said...

Health-IER is the key word.

They'll probably just change the description on the box - it's not how they taste or how nutritious anything is - it's how it's described that matters!!!