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Well, here it is 3:33pm (really!), half the mark of the beast (Mountain Standard Time, no Daylight Savings) on June 6, 2006 and the Apocalypse still has not arrived. Maybe the Beast is on Eastern Time, or Greenwich Mean....
Anyway, I scoured Daniel and Revelation for what time zone the Beast works out of but it must be buried in the Bible Code somewhere I can't find it. Maybe its because I'm using the NIV and not KJV. Damn Protestant "modern dynamic equivalency paraphrase translations"! No wonder no one knows diddly about the end times any more. If DaVinci had used the "Good News For Modern Man" Bible we might have had to cast Adam Sandler and Roseanne as the leads in "The DaVinci Code". BUT, that's not what I'm blogging about. Here are some things I DID manage to find hidden deep within the codes of the Biblical text using the latest number/letter crunching software that dredges up every permutation of numerical/alphabetical assignments in Hebrew, Greek, English, Latin, Aramaic and "Dude"
(yes, there IS a "Dude Bible"....) Here are the Marks of the Beast that I have discovered:
660
Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI
Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000
Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666
Number of the Millibeast
/ 666
Beast Common Denominator
(-666) ^ (1/2)
Imaginary number of the Beast
6.66 e3
Floating point Beast
1010011010
Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again?
Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666
Area code of the Beast
00666
Zip code of the Beast
666 mph
The speed limit of the Beast
$665.95
Retail price of the Beast
$699.25
Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95
Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66
Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66
Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666
Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666
Way of the Beast
666 F
Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k
Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg
Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 %
5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum
deposit.
$666/hr
Beast's lawyer's billing rate
Lotus 6-6-6
Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66
Word Processor of the Beast
i66686
CPU of the Beast
666i
BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised)
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
1232 Octal, Apt. 29A
Beast's hexed address (programmers' joke)
668
Next-door neighbor of the Beast
333
The semi-Christ
665.9997856
The Number of the Beast on a Pentium
And yeah, dude, this IS REAL!!! Don't try to prove me wrong, 'cuz, like I KNOW this stuff and no one else does because the Catholic Church is suppressing me, man...and like, I'll probably be assassinated by Papal Vatican Secret Police for publishing this............If I don't post on my blog within 48 hours of 6:66pm tonight, send the FBI looking for my body.
Well, of course it's about my life and stuff I think about. Just like a quadzillionbazillion other bloggers. I'm obsessed with God. I love beauty, enjoy absurdity, dance with despair, seek silence, and think everyone is goofy. Here's my world and what I think of it....
8 comments:
The Beast is definitely on Eastern time. I know this because The Beast was my son's nickname when he was little. ;-)
The original was funny enough, but your speculations about Bible translations make it even wilder. I did hear about the Dude Bible, aka the Surfer's Bible ("Dude. In the beginning, there was, like, nada"). Not sure which translation would best suit The Beast -- probably the Good News, which has managed to obscure all references to him pretty well. (Not my beast, THAT Beast.)
LOL! LOL! LOL!
Sorry Seven Star Hand. I deleted your post. Been there, done that. Its not amazing anymore. No free advertising on my blog.
since when did you talk like that?
your loving daughter....kenzy
Offspring-san, your Papa-san doesn't articulate his personal cogitations in such a manner unless he is making a point. The point here being, those who take stuff like "The Davinci Code" seriously and sit around Starbucks pontificating about conspiracy theories and "real actual factual historical facts" that don't exist in reality, are more than likely theologically and historically educated on the level of those to whome the "Dude Bible" was translated for.... dude. (They might of course be smart about some things, but that does not make one smart about all things. I would not presume to try to engineer a computer chip, so why does an engineer think his education qualifies him to critique and assess the veracity of the Church and Church history based on one fiction novel?) Such is the nature of parody or sarcasm...often it points up the ridiculousness of what people are thinking or doing.
Heh!
I am surprised at no mention of Milwaukee's Best!
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