Past, Present, Future

You'd never guess it, but in reality I'm somewhat of a closet recluse. I don't like crowds of people, parties, new places, new faces, big gatherings, large tables with lots of people sitting at them, conferences, meetings and events. But I have the gift of gab from my Dad and from an early age people told me I'm good at being in front of an audience, (though I wouldn't go out of my way to try to get there), and when I became a protestant Christian at age 17, I discovered I had the gift of teaching. So, to not "bury my talent", I do it if asked. I admit once I'm there I can and do have some fun, so its not torture, but it is exhausting.

This year marks 40 years of being pretty "public" as a Christian in various situations, roles and ministries (even though 37 of them have been as a layman), and 50 years of serious pursuit of God and concious desire to serve Him. I hadn't really thought of it until I wrote this sentence, but 40 (or 50) years is well... a lot of wandering around in front of a lot of people.

My recent trip to St. John's Monastery gave me a lot of time to reflect. Actually, I always have time to reflect, it was just a different landscape and routine which sometimes we need to jolt us out of our familiar ways of doing things that connect to familiar ways of thinking of things which connect to familiar ways of seeing things which connects to continuing to do the familiar things in a familiar way. The series of podcasts I did seemed to take on a life of their own as an extended rumination about life and death. It's not the first time I've thought about death. Death has been a constant underlying stream in my conciousness since I can remember, but it just seemed to bubble to the surface. I've known I'm mortal for a long time, so its not that kind of awakening. I know I'm much closer to my death than I am to my birth at this point in my life.

One of the questions "discussion starters" like to ask is, "What would you change about your life if you knew you only had a year left to live?" (or some variation). In my mind the shallow answers have always been the self indulgent ones: take a cruise, sky dive, have an affair with a bimbo (or gigolo), or even go to Africa and dig wells in the Sahara for the poor. That too is a self indulgent fantasy. The unfulfilled dream, the unrealized false image of my magnanimous self, the egoistic self created image of myself I never had the time or motivation or will to do anything about because deep down we know we're lying to ourselves, its not real. The problem with discussion starters is our answers are still a fantasy and still tied to our current delusions about our selves. But that's another whole discussion...

Anyway, for about 49 years I thought I was supposed to be a priest. It started in first grade at St. William's where I went to a Catholic Parochial elementary school and served Mass as an altar boy every morning with Fr. Wiley for three years. The desire continued through my detours through protestantism, Episcopalianism and into Orthodoxy (though I have the canonical impediment of a divorce prior to Orthodoxy that can be pastorally overlooked if a Bishop decides to do so.) I became Orthodox with little hope of being ordained or ever getting to teach in any public setting due to the clerical nature of the Church. But, without me pursuing it but mysteriously being in the right places and meeting the right people, I've been able to have a lay teaching ministry beyond any wild fantasy I could have ever conjured up even as a Protestant teacher. I know it is a blessing from God.

Because of my wanderings and meeting so many people, over the ten years I've been Orthodox, I've been put before five bishops by laymen, priests, bishops, abbotts and abbesses for ordination, and denied by all for various reasons (not all related specifically to anything about me or my divorce). I saw a pattern developing... I've been told which Bishops in which jurisdictions ordain divorced men, I've been told to move to Greece and spend "x" months at "x" monastery and "x" elder would see that I got ordained...yada yada yada. But I won't play that game.

The last couple years I've been more and more convicted (that's a good protestant term), that I in fact would make a lousy priest and my desire for the priesthood has been a lifelong delusion reinforced by the unwitting affirmation of my public "spiritual persona" by even some very holy (and sometimes goofy) people over the years.

Recently, an old friend I've known for about 25 years who journeyed into Orthodoxy with me, graduated from seminary, moved back here and got a position with a large parish in town. He read me his "job description". I listened, and when he finished, I told him I have no desire to do any of that stuff. Finally, the coffin of "full time ministry" and ordination to the priesthood was nailed shut,(or so I think...I know better than to predict the future.) The realization that I have actually been doing for forty years what I really love and have a gift for truly sank in.

But that isn't the point.

I had dinner with my wife a two weeks ago and told her I've been feeling like I need to disappear. Or in another sense, to re-appear. I need to disappear from the internet and reappear to my family, my aging parents, my kids, and yes, my wife and even my dog. The last couple times I visited my parents (who live about 90 minutes from my house) my Dad has said, "Come up some time and let's go fishing." He's had 3 bypass operations. He's 80. I haven't been fishing with him in over 30 years, because my weekends and down times in construction have always been spent in church activities. I've thought lately, some night I'll be producing a podcast and I'll get a call from my mom... My wife said, yes, that is the good.

The evening we had that discussion over a Chinese dinner, I came home to a couple of emails from podcast listeners..."Your podcasts have helped me so much" etc. The following week I got more "fan" email than I get in a month. Even though I know Orthodoxy on the internet will go on just fine without me adding anything more to it, and my websites and podcasts will still be available, and I will still answer email, I began to waver.

My wife is at St. John's Monastery for their feast day. I stayed home because I had work scheduled and I can't afford to miss a day of work now. I emailed her and told her I was reconsidering. She wrote back tonight (in part):

"Here is my honest reaction: You have such a powerful influence on us all. I don't know if you realize how important you are to your family. You've spent a long time helping the world, and it's been good. I think it would be nothing but positive for you to focus on your Dad and Mom while they're still here...and for you to get a little rest , write a book if you want, and just "be", even if it's just for a few years. Really, that's my heart on the subject. It's not like you've squandered the gifts that you've been given, my Precious. We've all shared you with the world for a long time."

I've always told new converts who are looking for a "clairvoyant elder" to tell them their sins to just ask their wife or family to be honest with them. I think I've been told, and by my saintly wife who has never complained about my ministerial wanderings (one might note that she never mentioned "more time with her" in her response).

So, I have a lot of work to do in the next few weeks. Things to wrap up and close down and leave to others. I need to do some internet things in order to make them self perpetuating (the OLiC website will be redesigned to be more user friendly for new people, but no new content added in the forseeable future). With one click, the delete button will take care of all the bookmarks and links to everything I spend hours a week checking in on. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be fishing with my dad and sitting on the back porch holding my wife's hand watching the sunset and maybe even praying a little bit more instead of producing podcasts in the basement catacomb studio, reading, studying, moderating discussion lists and commenting on blogs etc.

That said, I'll stick around until I get all this in place and then probably do a final podcast about this decision before I close it all down. I will probably keep my blog since it is the only way my kids and friends know what is going on in my life (I won't do Facebook).

Pray for me. This is a hard decision.