Saturday, July 04, 2009

She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain...


The wifey has been at St. John's Monastery for the last week and a half, and got to be there for their feast day where MP Jonah and Bp. Benjamin celebrated with them and tonsured a few monks and installed Fr. Meletios Webber as the new Abbott of the monastery. (I stayed home because I couldn't afford to miss ANY work at this point.)

So, she'll be home tomorrow night. I have about ten days of bachelorhood I need to hide within the next 24 hours. You'd think after 35 years of marriage (not in a row...) I'd pretty much know what her eyes (and nose) will go to like a ball bearing to a magnet as she walks in to the house through the garage door. OK.

Laundry room...get the pile down below the timber line. ("No honey, that's not snow on top of the pile, those are the whites.") Check.

Garbage can...empty the evidence. Five Oscar Mayer hot dog packages, three Lay's Barbeque potato chip bags, two Captain Crunch boxes, two pork and bean cans, one Spam can, ten bacon packages...a lot of beer bottles. Put in new liner, add empty oatmeal box, banana and orange peels, corn husks with "Organically Grown" label showing, 12 Grain Bread wrapper, fat free turkey lunch meat package, empty skim milk carton. Check.

Kitchen...dump bacon grease out of frying pan, boil some oatmeal, remove half, leave it conspicuously on the stove, power wash stove (ummm...no honey, its clean...I bought us a new brown stove while you were gone!) find belt sander in shed to clean countertops, look for sink...googled it, "its under the pile of dishes usually", walk on floor in loose flip flops to see where it sticks the worst, acid wash floor. Check.

Fridge...remove all the green stuff, replace with lettuce, zuchinni and bell peppers, take out beer, replace with 2% milk carton and organic pomegranate juice bottle...pour half out into sink first...throw away pizza, replace with pita bread and hummus, set mouse trap for the stuff that keeps moving around. Check.

Dining room...find table, googled it...I think I see a pattern developing. hmmm...I didn't know we had 37 glasses, 19 coffee cups, 43 forks, 17 knives, 28 plates and 23 assorted pieces of Tupperware. I think all the mail will fit in a lawn and leaf bag. hmmm...maybe I should move my compressor, the lawn mower, the tool box, and screw gun off it too. Check.

Living room...make sure bird and dog are still alive. Clean bird cage...how can a 4 inch bird manufacture six inches of crap...especially when it only gets fed once a week? Rake up dog hair. Check.

Bedroom...wash sheets. (What's wrong, honey...YOUR side is clean, just like you left it!) Remove beer bottles, Fritos bags, bean dip and sardine cans from nightstands. Light vanilla scented candle, let burn for 24 hours. Check.

Bathroom...find blowtorch and sandpaper, clean sink and...hmmm...call plumber to replace toilet. Find some flexible towels and washcloths to put up. Check.

Well... "Welcome home, sweetie! Nah, no problems...everything was great, I did just fine...."

11 comments:

gAbe said...

I'm taking careful notes. Don't let my wife see this blog!

Fr. James Early said...

lol...Steve, this is one of the funniest things you've ever written! Good luck!

Elizabeth @ The Garden Window said...

priceless..............

elizabeth said...

Your cleverness and astute humour never cease to amaze. :)

Anonymous said...

hahaha...ughhhhh...thats how i felt cleaning the kitchen yesterday! i haven't even like been home while mom was gone either. so it all came from two guys...wowzers.

now i have to go sandpaper the bathroom.
-your daughter.

James the Thickheaded said...

LOL! Oh how I have been there and done that. THanks... and thanks for writing another post. Afraid we'd lost ya!

Mitch said...

Ahhhhh.... we've been bachelors during the same time. My wife is coming back tomorrow from 2 weeks in Paris and Moscow, visiting some of our kids. Therefore, I'm sort of laboring towards those same domestic goals these last few days. Blessings to you Steve!

Jessie said...

tooo laaate!!!!haha!

mollysabourin said...

Ha! I love this post! What an eye-opener for us wives!
: ) Thanks for making me smile. : )

margi said...

Garbage can...empty the evidence... put in new liner, add empty oatmeal box, banana and orange peels...

This post needed a don't choke to death warning. I have the cold, I can't breathe through my nose, this was nearly the end of me...

s-p said...

Margi, LOL! Yeah, I betrayed my gender and gave away all the man secrets. BTW...on your blog you mention St. Nectarios says all cats go to heaven. Can you email that quote to me? We recently had to euthanize one of my dogs. :( I'm of the opinion our pets go to heaven too.