Posts
I'm turning 59 in five days. I've never been much into birthdays and milestones and "passages". My 20, 30 and 40th birthdays went pretty much by without any sense of "gee/wow-ness" or movement toward or away from anything. My 50th birthday was an existential awakening. I'd been through the standard Red Bugatti mid-life crisis (yeah, I really had one), divorced, blended family etc. etc. (not that all that is normal, but it is the fodder of a John Updike novel). But even during and after all that life did not seem particularly finite or "particular" in any real way. I walked through it with the sense of appropriate angst, guilt, shame, joy, apprehension and uncertainty that one should feel when life is all akimbo, but it was just "life".
When I turned 50 I stared at the number and it was as if I stepped outside my door thinking it was midday and saw the sun setting. The dusk of my life was in front of me, undeniable and darkening. No matter how I cut it, my life was more than half over, more than likely I had about a quarter of it left to me, if that. "The days of man are as grass, as a flower of the field so he flourisheth... Our days like a spider have spun out its tale. Our years number three score years and ten, and if we be in strength mayhap fourscore years, but what is more than these but toil and travail?" I was old enough to see the truth in that, I just never thought it applied to ME. But on my 50th birthday it did. My life was on the downhill slope and I was still sheet rocking and lifting heavy stuff for a living.
For 30 years I've been doing construction because my college degrees would land me a 13.00/hour job. When you're 35 and invincible, construction is a good living. When you're 58 and have been doing it for 30 years it is a hard living and one false move can mean a torn tendon or ligament that will put you in bankruptcy. The frequency of "six ibuprofen and three beer" nights increase. You just learn to live with chronic pain, move slower and don't "be a hero"... you ask for help to lift and move stuff. Without any health insurance and another option to buy groceries on the table you live in fear of an accident, a miscalculation, an untimely muscle spasm or just plain exhaustion that will end up in a career ending injury.
A month ago I interviewed for a new job. It was not just a "job", it was a new career. Actually it is more like my original career working with "at risk" kids and families. At 59 my youngest has graduated from high school and cosmetology school. The Wifey has finished her teaching recertification for Arizona and found a teaching job after 30+ years of staying home with the kids. Between the two salaries on paper it looked like we can pay our bills if I do a "side job" here and there. I got the job.
It was somewhat of an affirmation that after 30 years in construction and pushing 60 someone thought I had something on a "professional level" to offer an organization other than repairing their drywall or building them a new office. But the reality is, I have been self-employed for 30+ years. It will be an adjustment to be working for "the man", punching his time card, asking him for days off and taking his allotment of vacation. I can't just pack my tools up and go build a Church or a monastery for three weeks anymore. I know it will be an adjustment, but I also know I pretty much HAVE to make the adjustment, just like I made the adjustment from ministry to construction 30 years ago out of necessity.
Fifty nine is a strange birthday. It has an anticipatory facet to it that is sobering in a way that actually turning 50 or 60 doesn't. My parents are in their mid 80's and we're waiting for "the phone call" about my Dad. I'm his age when his parents passed away. I get AARP's magazine and it tells me every month that I'm on the cusp of the "retirement decade" and I have nothing. The past 30 years have been spent on groceries, house payments, electricity, stuff to raise our kids and a trip to visit family now and then (but not nearly often enough). The only things we have of value are memories, a wonderful bunch of kids and a couple of cute grand kids. Everything else is a liability and worth less than we paid for it. But in the grand scheme of things, if I make it another eleven years to three score and ten, I won't regret investing in those things instead of a 401k.
So, here is to change. I know there are more changes on the close horizon that I did not apply for, cannot fully prepare for nor predict.
So, here is to having more life to remember than to anticipate. It is an odd place but thankfully I do not find it frightening or depressing. The dusk breaks into a new dawn and I'm looking forward in peace to the last and eternal dawn. There's something to be said for that, even if I'm punching a time card for the man.
Thursday, August 04, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Stages of Conversion
I don't think I have ever lifted a complete blog post from someone else's blog (though I've quoted and recommended a few... very few). Silouan posted this on Facebook and I read it. It is about the process of "converting", something many or most of us have done. I'm posting it because I don't want to take the chance that you won't take time to click the link.
Wisdom, let us attend!
____________________________________________
It doesn't seem to matter what version of the Christian faith you join, because this seems to be a near-universal process:
Phase 1: The Cage Phase
So you've found your new tradition, and you've finally discovered all the answers to life's problems encompassed within it. You've also read a few books that explain how every other Christian tradition (especially the one you just left) has absolutely ruined the piss out of the Christian faith as a whole. As God's apostle to the unconverted, it now falls upon you to save the world (especially your friends and family in the old tradition) by enlightening them as to just how perfect everything is about your new tradition and how stupid and wrong everything about their current tradition is. It is very important for you to have a blog during this time so that you can enlighten as many people as possible.
Phase 2: Addiction
After having ruined all your relationships from your past life, you are now disillusioned with the willful ignorance and impiety of all those outside your new church. Let the heretics stew in their heresy. It is now time to busy yourself with drinking as much religious Kool-Ade as you possibly can, preferably until your skin becomes the same color as Purplesaurus Rex and your body's pH levels are completely thrown off. You need to read every theological or devotional book you can, buy lots of the assorted trinkets associated with your tradition, and make lots of pilgrimages to either theology conferences or monasteries, depending on how your church rolls.
Phase 3: Apostle of Renewal
You've recently noticed that most of the other people in your church are not nearly as obsessed with it as you are. They aren't reading those books, and they aren't buying all that crap you've strewn your house with. They're more concerned with paying the bills than why those awful sectarians are wrong. They even have friends outside the church! Many of them are not aware just how right and perfect their church is, or how great their lives would be if they would just fling themselves with total abandon into the kind of obsession you yourself have. This is clearly a problem that must be fixed, for it threatens to destroy the purity of the faith. As God's chosen agent of change, you busy yourself with trying to whip up everyone in the congregation into the same frothing devotion you yourself exhibit.
Phase 4: Beaten by Reality
You've finally faced the harsh truth: The people in your new tradition are, at their core, a whole lot like all those people from your old tradition that you despised so much, with all the same foibles and failings. You give up on saving the world, on restoring your tradition to its purity, and have lost your confidence that God himself has appointed you to fix everything. You've discovered that your new church in fact has a lot of ugliness in its history, has a lot of jerks in its power structure, can't solve all of life's problems, and isn't always all that consistent or believable in what it teaches or what it does.
Phase 5, Option 1: The Rat Leaves the Ship
Clearly, you were had. You thought you had found the One True Perfect Tradition, but you were deceived. You know what you must do--find the tradition that really does get it all right, because it must be out there. Back to Phase 1 for you!
Phase 5, Option 2: Complete Disillusionment
You have realized, perhaps after going through this cycle several times, that you are perhaps the only sincere, thinking Christian in the world. Everyone else is a hypocrite or a dunce, and all these corrupt denominations and hierarchies have ever accomplished is completely screwing up everything. Completely embittered at the idea of organized religion, you isolate yourself in order to go be a true follower of Christ without all those awful other people screwing things up. If you meet some like-minded folk, you start meeting up with them in order to transcend organized religion by organizing a religion. It's very likely that you eventually realize that all religious people are deluded fools and become an atheist or agnostic.
Phase 5, Option 3: Partial Disillusionment and Accommodation
After facing the harsh reality in Phase 4, you've further realized that phases 1 through 3 ought to be renamed "Jackass," "Nutjob," and "Know-it-All," respectively, which suggests that you are, for the most part, much worse at being a decent human being than all those people too stupid and impious to realize how awesome your new religion is. While many of the reasons that you had for joining your current tradition remain, and thus so do you, you decide it's time to cut yourself, your church, everyone else's churches, and rest of the world some slack.
Wisdom, let us attend!
____________________________________________
It doesn't seem to matter what version of the Christian faith you join, because this seems to be a near-universal process:
Phase 1: The Cage Phase
So you've found your new tradition, and you've finally discovered all the answers to life's problems encompassed within it. You've also read a few books that explain how every other Christian tradition (especially the one you just left) has absolutely ruined the piss out of the Christian faith as a whole. As God's apostle to the unconverted, it now falls upon you to save the world (especially your friends and family in the old tradition) by enlightening them as to just how perfect everything is about your new tradition and how stupid and wrong everything about their current tradition is. It is very important for you to have a blog during this time so that you can enlighten as many people as possible.
Phase 2: Addiction
After having ruined all your relationships from your past life, you are now disillusioned with the willful ignorance and impiety of all those outside your new church. Let the heretics stew in their heresy. It is now time to busy yourself with drinking as much religious Kool-Ade as you possibly can, preferably until your skin becomes the same color as Purplesaurus Rex and your body's pH levels are completely thrown off. You need to read every theological or devotional book you can, buy lots of the assorted trinkets associated with your tradition, and make lots of pilgrimages to either theology conferences or monasteries, depending on how your church rolls.
Phase 3: Apostle of Renewal
You've recently noticed that most of the other people in your church are not nearly as obsessed with it as you are. They aren't reading those books, and they aren't buying all that crap you've strewn your house with. They're more concerned with paying the bills than why those awful sectarians are wrong. They even have friends outside the church! Many of them are not aware just how right and perfect their church is, or how great their lives would be if they would just fling themselves with total abandon into the kind of obsession you yourself have. This is clearly a problem that must be fixed, for it threatens to destroy the purity of the faith. As God's chosen agent of change, you busy yourself with trying to whip up everyone in the congregation into the same frothing devotion you yourself exhibit.
Phase 4: Beaten by Reality
You've finally faced the harsh truth: The people in your new tradition are, at their core, a whole lot like all those people from your old tradition that you despised so much, with all the same foibles and failings. You give up on saving the world, on restoring your tradition to its purity, and have lost your confidence that God himself has appointed you to fix everything. You've discovered that your new church in fact has a lot of ugliness in its history, has a lot of jerks in its power structure, can't solve all of life's problems, and isn't always all that consistent or believable in what it teaches or what it does.
Phase 5, Option 1: The Rat Leaves the Ship
Clearly, you were had. You thought you had found the One True Perfect Tradition, but you were deceived. You know what you must do--find the tradition that really does get it all right, because it must be out there. Back to Phase 1 for you!
Phase 5, Option 2: Complete Disillusionment
You have realized, perhaps after going through this cycle several times, that you are perhaps the only sincere, thinking Christian in the world. Everyone else is a hypocrite or a dunce, and all these corrupt denominations and hierarchies have ever accomplished is completely screwing up everything. Completely embittered at the idea of organized religion, you isolate yourself in order to go be a true follower of Christ without all those awful other people screwing things up. If you meet some like-minded folk, you start meeting up with them in order to transcend organized religion by organizing a religion. It's very likely that you eventually realize that all religious people are deluded fools and become an atheist or agnostic.
Phase 5, Option 3: Partial Disillusionment and Accommodation
After facing the harsh reality in Phase 4, you've further realized that phases 1 through 3 ought to be renamed "Jackass," "Nutjob," and "Know-it-All," respectively, which suggests that you are, for the most part, much worse at being a decent human being than all those people too stupid and impious to realize how awesome your new religion is. While many of the reasons that you had for joining your current tradition remain, and thus so do you, you decide it's time to cut yourself, your church, everyone else's churches, and rest of the world some slack.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
On B.S.
I spent a couple weeks in Montana visiting my sister and brother in law. I've met him a few times, but hadn't spent much time with him. Like me, he is a construction guy with college degrees. My sister told me Todd has insomnia and stays up at night and writes. She said it was good stuff.
I got him to let me read some of his essays. I brought the hard copies home with me and told him he should set up a blog and if he didn't I was going to steal his stuff and pass it off as my own because I'm running out of stuff. So, he set up a blog. He's posted up a few essays and more are on the way, on work, life, economics, faith, God, and recently one on "bullshit". A quote:
"There are other forms of bullshit that don't mean anything. Food packages will say things like “30% less fat.” 30% less fat than what? A block of pure fat? “Fresh Frozen Food?” “Fresh Pickled?” “Fresh Smoked?” “How are you?” “I'm fine.” “Mission Accomplished.” “That's really something.”
From my brother in law's blog "Truth, Ire and the Night"
Check it out, check back frequently.
I got him to let me read some of his essays. I brought the hard copies home with me and told him he should set up a blog and if he didn't I was going to steal his stuff and pass it off as my own because I'm running out of stuff. So, he set up a blog. He's posted up a few essays and more are on the way, on work, life, economics, faith, God, and recently one on "bullshit". A quote:
"There are other forms of bullshit that don't mean anything. Food packages will say things like “30% less fat.” 30% less fat than what? A block of pure fat? “Fresh Frozen Food?” “Fresh Pickled?” “Fresh Smoked?” “How are you?” “I'm fine.” “Mission Accomplished.” “That's really something.”
Bullshit is not new, and philosophers including Kant, Hume, Locke, Hobbes, and Frankfurt have attempted to define it and its role in society. I think by this point we have become so glazed over by bullshit's residue that we can at least recognize it by contrast to what it is not. It seems that when you see something that isn't bullshit, it is striking. When someone speaks a simple truth or does something genuinely good, it momentarily captures our attention as if it were something rare and precious. The Lord gives us the darkness so we can see the stars."
Check it out, check back frequently.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Curmudgeophan on TV
I think we need to do an Orthodox version of this with Curmudgeophan and some cranky monks and priests.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Where Does the Time Go?
Where has 30 years gone?
In five days and about two weeks shy of turning 59, I begin a new career as a high school guidance counselor and will finally be using my college degrees in an "official" capacity.
This week I'm working 14 hour days wrapping up jobs, notifying my clients (some of whom I've had for 30 years) and going out this weekend to buy "office clothes". My wardrobe consists of jeans, t-shirts and stuff I wear under a cassock on Sunday that no one can or should see. I had one button down white shirt that I wore to the wedding and we discovered we left in Montana the morning of my second interview. I found another shirt that faked it well enough to land me the job as long as I didn't take my sport coat off.
There's a lot of mixed feelings to say the least. More later when I can breathe....
In five days and about two weeks shy of turning 59, I begin a new career as a high school guidance counselor and will finally be using my college degrees in an "official" capacity.
This week I'm working 14 hour days wrapping up jobs, notifying my clients (some of whom I've had for 30 years) and going out this weekend to buy "office clothes". My wardrobe consists of jeans, t-shirts and stuff I wear under a cassock on Sunday that no one can or should see. I had one button down white shirt that I wore to the wedding and we discovered we left in Montana the morning of my second interview. I found another shirt that faked it well enough to land me the job as long as I didn't take my sport coat off.
There's a lot of mixed feelings to say the least. More later when I can breathe....
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Where I've Been
Those of you who check in regularly know I've been gone for a few weeks. The Wifey and I went to southern Montana for what was supposed to be about a week for our son's wedding but then ended up a visit with my sister in northern Montana and turned into almost three weeks. While were in Kalispell we attended the Fourth of July Parade down Main Street. Here's some of the "floats":
There were actually TWO cement trucks...and the Flathead Lake Rollerderby Queens team.
This was the front-loader with a bucket full of rocks. I thought they should have taken the time to at least paint the rocks red, white and blue or stick a flag in them or something...
This was the "marching band".
The kid wasn't a bad drummer for sitting in the bed of a moving pickup truck. I'm sure he was tired after two blocks of wailing away on the drum set. I didn't get a picture of the random Toyota Minivan that took a wrong turn and got stuck in the parade. The occupants looked a bit embarrassed.
The wedding was held at the bride's uncle's ranch. Here is my son and grandson with a fawn that they had found abandoned by its mother. Not something you get to see in the big city.
The Wifey made me wear my suit and tie for the wedding. The last time I wore it was at the daughter's wedding about 8 years and 20 pounds before. Ouch.
This is Mom pinning the boutonniere on the groom
This is the bride and groom in a "private moment".
The reception was held outdoors. A friend of the family has a BBQ restaurant and catered the reception.
After the reception, a sparkling send off to the bride and groom....
A double blessing of the wedding was we got to meet our new grand daughter.
After the wedding we got to travel some of Montana and Yellowstone National Park. We drove the Beartooth Highway, deemed the most beautiful drive in America. I can't argue with that.
One of the things I discovered on the way home is a "biker bar" used to be a place where scary Hell's Angels hung out. Now it is an upscale watering hole at a trendy destination where middle aged men with 25,000.00 toy Harley Davidsons and Goldwings go for vacations.
All in all, a nice break. I was in 78 degrees and on a pontoon boat trout fishing when it hit 118 in Phoenix. It was hard to come home. But in the end, there's no place like home.
This was the front-loader with a bucket full of rocks. I thought they should have taken the time to at least paint the rocks red, white and blue or stick a flag in them or something...
This was the "marching band".
The kid wasn't a bad drummer for sitting in the bed of a moving pickup truck. I'm sure he was tired after two blocks of wailing away on the drum set. I didn't get a picture of the random Toyota Minivan that took a wrong turn and got stuck in the parade. The occupants looked a bit embarrassed.
The wedding was held at the bride's uncle's ranch. Here is my son and grandson with a fawn that they had found abandoned by its mother. Not something you get to see in the big city.
This is Mom pinning the boutonniere on the groom
This is the bride and groom in a "private moment".
A double blessing of the wedding was we got to meet our new grand daughter.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
What I Learned on My Summer Vacation
I just got home from a couple weeks away. Pictures of the wedding, scenery and events are coming later. A lot of life can happen in two weeks. Even when you're on vacation life does not take a break. One of the places we went was Yellowstone National Park and went to some of the hot spring areas which look like a Martian landscape.
But even in the middle of acres of sulphur, crusted salts and boiling acidic water there is life. But life only springs up in places that nurture it. I needed to be reminded of this.
But even in the middle of acres of sulphur, crusted salts and boiling acidic water there is life. But life only springs up in places that nurture it. I needed to be reminded of this.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Orthograph #138 - You Have Your Reward
BLOG POST #800! Yikes. Have I wasted THAT much of my life here???
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Engineer's Psalter
As far as the variable of latitude being 110.574 Km @ 0 degrees, and 111.694 Km. @ 90 degrees, averaged to 111.134 Km per Arcdegree Latitude times 180 degrees separation (constant) =
π/180M (Ø) = 20004.12 Km, so far hath He removed our iniquities from us.
Psalm 103:12
H/T Facebook
π/180M (Ø) = 20004.12 Km, so far hath He removed our iniquities from us.
Psalm 103:12
H/T Facebook
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Curmudgeophan's Caption Contest #2
They said it couldn't be done, but Fr. Benedict did it once. It has taken several months for Curmudgeophan to recover and regain his lemony fresh personality. He's been training hard with Subdeacon Barfy and reading a lot of OCA websites lately so he's ready for a new challenge.
Go ahead, hit him with your best shot.
The winner will get whatever I give them, whenever I get around to it.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Monday, June 06, 2011
The Heresy of Positive Thinking
An excellent critique of the cult of positive thinking. It gets into politics and economics but get past that stuff: this is very much also about family, relationships, religion, "faith" and the dynamics of how we get sucked into denying reality.
Friday, June 03, 2011
The True Test of Sainthood
If you can have a beard like this and not look to see if people are looking at your beard...
... or not be jealous.
H/T Jamey
... or not be jealous.
H/T Jamey
Thursday, June 02, 2011
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