New Bishop Selection Method Instituted in America

Alleged Press International, Englewood, NJ

In order to appease the outcry for a more "American Orthodoxy" and independence from the "Byzantine intrigue" and "Old Country" control of the Orthodox Churches in America, SNOB-A (Synod of Neurotic Orthodox Bishops of America) has introduced a new distinctly "American" method of selecting new Bishops.

MP PHILODYNAMIS, Chairman of SNOB-A said, "Just because we live insular lives and only show up at your parishes once a year for a nice supper and sit at an isolated table up front doesn't mean we don't see what people are posting on blogs on the internet.  It was getting irritating and the reality is we're getting old and cranky, so we met and discussed what we can do in the context of the American culture to select the new Bishops who will be the next generation of leaders of the American expression of Orthodoxy."

"It was a difficult task to find a new distinctly 'American' selection method," said ALBOTP (Auxilliary Low Bishop on the Totem Pole) MARGINDOULOS, "because it had to be familiar enough to all Americans for them to embrace, and yet not mirror the American political system which was established by Protestant heretics, in which popularity and demagoguery could actually put someone in office who might not fit in with everyone else already here." 

"After extensive Bible study and exploration of American customs we believe we have chosen something that will both resonate with the laity of America and still reflect in many ways the inner integrity of the selection process as it has been practiced in reality for centuries, if not, millenia," said MP. PHILODOLLAR.

"This new method works on many levels. It fulfills the Gospel demand that we 'be like little children', but it also lets the Bishops still do the selection in the manner we've grown accustomed to:  the opportunity to push and shove people around, screech and yell, and strategically position ourselves  to win... but all in the name of good, clean fun... just like little kids!"

"We actually gave it a test run at the last SNOB-A meeting to elect our new Chairman," said MP PHILODYNAMIS, "...and I won!!  Yay ME!"

"We were so pleased with ourselves that we took a picture of the final outcome of the selection process in order to unveil it to the Churches of America." 

                                                   Hierarchical musical chairs.