Tuesday, August 03, 2010

My New Personal Doctor

I love this guy...

Q:  Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.   Is this true?   A: Your heart  only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.   Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you  live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.   Want to live longer?  Take nap.  

 Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits  and vegetables?   
A: You must grasp logistical  efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn.    And what are these?  Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient  mechanism  of delivering vegetables to  your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source  of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100%  of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.  

 Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?    
  
 A:  No, not at all.   Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they  take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.   Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!  

 Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?    
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your  ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.   

 Q: What  are some  of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?    
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My  philosophy is: No pain...good!
        
Q:   Aren't fried foods bad for you?      
 A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried  these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How  could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?     

 Q  
:   Will  sit-ups help  prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?    A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle,  it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger  stomach.  

 Q:  Is  chocolate bad for me?     
A:  Are you  crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  Is  best feel-good food around!  

 Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?        
A:  If swimming good for your figure,  explain whale to me.  

 Q:   Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?      
A:  Hey!  'Round' is good shape!   

 Well, I hope this has cleared up any  misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.   

 And  remember:
Life  should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in  an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -  Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,   totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"       
AND.....

 For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the  final word on nutrition and health.   It's a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.   

 1. The Japanese eat very little fat
       and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  us.

 2. The  Mexicans eat a lot of fat
       and  suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

 3. The  Chinese drink very little red wine  
       and  suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 4. The Italians drink  a lot of red wine
       and  suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

 5. The  Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats   
      and suffer fewer heart  attacks than us.  

 CONCLUSION:

 Eat and drink what you like.
 Speaking Engrish is apparently what kills you.

8 comments:

Moore said...

Who is this man? It makes me want to go get a Double Down...grilled of course.

Chocolatesa said...

I think both you and your doctor would love these: http://cooklikeyourgrandmother.com/2010/08/bacon-turtle-power/

Sabio Lantz said...

Very funny.
Thank you.

Ranger said...

I can't wait to meet the new Bishop.

kew said...

funny but not funny in the sense of the old saying: YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT. eat fat, you become fat, don't eat raw vegetables and fruits, die young. it's just common sense. i think a good start to find how people have built up their immune system so well to ward off tumors and desease: read www.hacres.com and their recipes are worth a million too.

kew said...

funny but not funny in the sense of the old saying: YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT. eat fat, you become fat, don't eat raw vegetables and fruits, die young. it's just common sense. i think a good start to find how people have built up their immune system so well to ward off tumors and desease: read www.hacres.com and their recipes are worth a million too.

Arsenios said...

Sounds like a recipe for the good life. Wonder what he'd say about the Orthodox fasts!...

Karen said...

That is too funny and sounds like something my Grandma would have said!