Monday, February 07, 2011

Athonite Elder Adds New Lenten Sunday

Florence, AZ
Elder Ephraim, a world famous "Geronda" formerly of Mount Athos who now resides at St. Anthony's Monastery in Arizona has added a new "Pre-Lenten Sunday" to the Triodion.

When asked why he would do something so unprecedented and break nearly 1200 years of Church Tradition he explained, "I have been in America now for over a decade.  I have met so many American people both Greeks and converts who struggle with the American culture.  That is why we had to make the monastery like an "Orthodox Theme Park" to keep people's interest. The American Orthodox Church is unique in its spiritual needs.  Orthodoxy has always responded to the culture of its host nation and so I have decided American Orthodox people need six Sundays to prepare for Lent instead of the Traditional five. I explain to my spiritual children it is kind of like adding another round of playoffs before the Super Bowl so try to look at it with some glee, as perhaps another chance make the wild card into heaven. And besides that I have tons of street cred so I can get away with it."

The Elder continued, "I thought very hard about the confessions I have heard and the things I overhear people talking about walking around the Monastery grounds... much of it I cannot repeat except maybe in Greek.  I knew this additional Sunday would have to make sense in the grand scheme of the Lenten progression of giving up our passions gradually.  So with all this in mind, I have decided to insert an additional Sunday in between "Meatfare Sunday" and "Cheesefare Sunday".  This seemed like the perfect place to add "Beefcake-fare Sunday" in which all households are cleansed of "cheesy Beefcake photographs of Orthodox celebrities, such as this one..." 


"Of course I am aware that fasting from beefcake is a difficult ascetical practice for many, and we need to be careful that in our fasting we do not deny the goodness of the flesh and a nice set of six-pack abs.  As with all things in Orthodoxy it is important to have a proper balance so we do not fall into heresy or rooting for the '49-ers.  So in order to teach this balance to the American Orthodox communities in the traditional manner of the Church, I have directed our iconographers to write an icon that is acceptable as a Lenten replacement for Beefcake on one's family altar.  We are very proud in a humble way to present "Soy Troy" guaranteed to be 100% free of beef and cheese."


34 comments:

Anonymous said...

...you're just saying that cause you're jealous of beefcak...erm...of the Orthodox Celebrity...

P.S.
methinks you are walking a very tight rope with this post...not as tight as the muscles of that fellow but tight enough...

Keith said...

Why does the Geronda want us to have icons of Whoopi Goldberg?

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Well done.

Anastasia Theodoridis said...

Dunno about this one, s-p. Wonder what Fr. Ephraim may think, should this be brought to his attention.

Maybe you should change the name.

(But I admit it's funny!)

s-p said...

Anastasia, actually I thought of that, but he does have a sense of humor (as do all of the abbots and abbesses I've met... you'd HAVE to to run a monastery when you think about it). I visit there and I honestly don't think he'd be offended, it's a lot better "press" than a lot of the other stuff that goes around the ortho-net about St. Anthony's.

s-p said...

Keith, ROTFL!

subdeacon said...

Anonymous, that's walking a PRAYER rope, not a tight rope!

discourse said...

Whoopi Goldberg, oh, that's a good one!

Apophatically Speaking said...

Ridicule...because we deserve it.

Your Intrepid Editor said...

Is Outrage! Well done, my son. :)

Chocolatesa said...

Lol!

Jo said...

You had me going at first, LOL! Good stuff, Steve.

Anna said...

The Steelers halo makes this.

Owen White said...

Keith should get one of those Eastern Christian blog awards for funniest comment in a thread.

Great post s-p.

Tim said...

If Orthodox fasting is the secret to abs like that, I'm all in!

... What? That wasn't a shallow comment at all!

;)

Owen White said...

Those abs require fasting and prostrations.

Matt said...

"We are very proud in a humble way..." lol

s-p said...

I've been Orthodox almost 13 years and all I have to show for it a "kegger" :) I've sometimes wondered what the reaction would be if I put up a picture of me sweaty and shirtless with my nail-bags on as the avatar for "Steve the Builder"?

Apophatically Speaking said...

Is your beard insured for $1 mil?

s-p said...

AS, my whole LIFE isn't insured for 1M. My goal is to glow in the dark before I die so my wife can sell parts of me as relics to pay off the credit card debt.

Eponymous Anonymous said...

@Subdeacon (Barfy?)


....is there a difference...? :-D

Keith said...

*takes bow*

Elizabeth @ The Garden Window said...

I prostrate myself before your brilliance, dear s-p :-)

s-p said...

Eponymous, my humility prevents me from answering that question. However, my wife's may not... :)

Anonymous said...

"I've sometimes wondered what the reaction would be if I put up a picture of me sweaty and shirtless with my nail-bags on as the avatar for "Steve the Builder"?"

God, NO, Honey!

Anonymous said...

I'm too stupid to understand why it's ok to mock this fellow. Why don't you all mock me instead for my stupidity?

s-p said...

Anon-the-stupid, Actually I'm not mocking Troy. As far as I'm concerned he's no different than anyone else who does all of the goofy convert stuff I make fun of on the blog. It just so happens that he's in the public eye more than the rest of us because he is famous for something other than his "Orthodoxy". If he was just another Ortho-blogger "on the journey" who visits St. Anthony's, quotes the Fathers and saying the same things he says in national sports page interviews, he'd probably have 10 "followers" if that. Frankly, from what I've read I like the guy and if Orthodoxy in America needs a "poster boy" I'd rather it be him than some clergy I know. The whole concept for the blog post was more about "Beefcake" than "Troy personally" but he was the perfect vehicle for the idea. So yeah, it was kind of at his expense but the whole idea was too funny (to me) to pass up. So if you ever do something more stupid than the rest of us let me know and I'll do a blog post about you.

Anonymous said...

Interesting! So you're not making fun of the football player, except to the extent that he's a convert to your church and you make fun of all converts to your church? I take it your church frowns on conversion?

Still, you did induce me to read some of your previous posts. The ones I could understand I enjoyed very much, particularly the story about giving $40 to the woman in the parking lot. That's a really powerful witness. Best of luck to you.

I have absolute and public proof of my stupidity: I commented TWICE on a blog devoted to a subculture I don't understand. My internet license should be revoked immediately.

s-p said...

Anon the bewildered, I think the best analogy for my blog is the Orthodox version of the Protestant blog "Stuff Christians Like" or an illustrated Orthodox "Wittenburg Door". Converts to Orthodoxy definitely go through a stage of identity crisis, kind of like a tourist trying to "go native" and looking a bit foolish in public. So its not that "we" frown on conversion, it's just that there aren't many of us converts willing to not take ourselves quite so seriously and are willing to admit we do some goofy things as we figure out how to fit all this new wine into our old wineskins.

Ingemar said...

Steve Robinson, I would give you all the money I have (I am not in debt) if you pose with a bag of nails, shirtless and covered in baby oil.


Then I would run away (fast) and swim to Mt. Athos.

s-p said...

Ingemar, I've done worse for less. But if I did we'd be swimming to Athos together after my wife checked the blog. :)

Ingemar said...

>I've done worse for less.

DANG. I'm not sure what this means but... color me intrigued.

Matt said...

<----thinks the name of the blog should be changed to "I've Done Worse for Less."

Anastasia Theodoridis said...

Two dear friends of ours have recently returned from two different monasteries of Fr. Ephraim, where they had gone to become monastics. We had a longish talk today, in person after church and by e-mail later.

I now know better where you're coming from in this post, find it funnier than ever, and take back my previous comment, in toto.