Christian Porn

So, I recently posted a video of a "goofy" charismatic couple "praying". Basically to be honest, I posted it because it invited derision, smirking, ridicule and well, yeah, comments.

But I confess that, when I created the post, I hesitated for a split second before I hit "publish".  And then I violated my personal rule of thumb for the internet:  "If I hesitate to hit SEND, there MIGHT be a reason to sit on it."  I ignored my hesitation this time, I published the post.  But the unease did not go away. But then again, laughter goes a long way to cover up dis-ease.

Then, last of all, Fr. Sean commented:
"So I finally broke down and decided to get to a computer that actually deals with videos, and I watched the silly thing.

First thought: I can not and will not judge their mode of expressing praise for God. If I do so, I will be accountable to the God whom they are praising, and whom I praise with much less fervor and (apparent) sincerity. I strikes me as odd that any Christian could look askance on this as an example of private praise. Surely I do things which would seem even sillier to another person. Thank God that he is my only audience (I hope!).

My serious objection to the video was simply that I was watching it. It felt almost like watching a video of a loving married couple expressing their love for each other in bed. I might criticize their technique ("that's not how I would like to do it"), but the main point is that I would have no business watching it and they, no business exposing it to public view. Yes, that is exactly what I thought. "This should have been a private thing between them and God, not in front of an audience, and certainly not on YouTube."

I find some fault with the culture of parts of the Christian world which makes this sort of thing a matter of public spectacle. I find fault with myself for having watched what should have been a private moment with God (whether the participants felt that way or not). And I am disturbed by the judgmentalism in my soul which can watch this and pretend that I am virtuous because I do not give way to preposterous silliness as I seek to express the unspeakable and wild praise and joy that God naturally calls forth from me. I also feel a little bit dirty for having watched it."

I read his comment and nearly wept.

You see, I despise the Jerry Springers, the Montels, the Dr. Phils who parade human weakness before the world and hold it up for derision in the name of entertainment. Oh to be sure, there is a vanity and pathological narcissism to those who would expose their most private weaknesses to public view.  But fallen humanity is symbiotic: there are those who expose themselves and those who watch.  The world has gone from "doing your good deeds to be seen of men" to "youtubing your most intimate and sometimes stupid moments for the world to see".  Porn sites are the quintessential evidence of the depth of the fallen symbiosis of voyeur and exhibitionist. Non-sexual exhibitionism and voyeurism may not offend the moral sensibilities, but they have the same roots and that is what makes it the more subtle and damning temptation. The internet exponentially feeds the ego, is a snare for the narcissist and gives the smug and judgmental an entire universe to ridicule, even if he doesn't realize it is a universe of his peers. But I am not far behind. I parade my facade onto the web hoping for voyeurs to discover me.  I am viral. I have trackbacks. I can be googled, therefore I am.  My human worth is determined by the number of  FB friends I've never met, hits and comments.  The street corner is no longer a few square feet of pavement and a few bystanders who happen by in real time, it is trillions of 1's and 0's on billions of square feet of computer screens all over the world, and until the internet dies, I can potentially be seen everywhere, at all times.  I am the exhibitionist who puts my weaknesses up for all to see.

So, thank you, Fr. Sean.  I realize now what my hesitation was about: I am also the voyeur. And as the voyeur I am even less holy than the human train wreck I can't take my eyes off of, who publishes his demolished humanity for the world to see, whether it is hard core porn or something Jesus said it is best to do in your closet and not before men.

And I also realize that not only am I the hooting and laughing audience, I am also Jerry Springer.  I paraded human weakness before you for hits and ratings. Basically, I hosted an internet Christian porn site. I gave you the link to watch two fallen people do something that should not be seen by human eyes.

I confess that when I saw it, even in my dis-ease, rather than hear the Spirit and weep, I judged and I laughed. And quenching the Spirit, I then put the stumbling block in your path.  Forgive me.

May God have mercy on me a sinner.